"I'm 35 and have never been in a relationship. Being with a girl, is as unlikely as being in the NBA...

My friends just tell me to be confident but I don't believe them, I just don't know if this is just all in my head or how can therapy help something like this..."

First, I’m sorry you feel this way, man, wow. What a terrible way to experience life. I’ll tell you though, you’re certainly not alone. I’ve had plenty of clients that have felt the way you feel in varying degrees.

Let’s break down a couple of things before I give you a more direct answer:

The first is pretty obvious - you’re practicing a self defeating pattern. It starts with your belief about yourself - which sounds something like, “I’m a worthless, unattractive person that no one could love.” Because of this belief, you don’t try to get a date. Because you don’t try, you never succeed. Because you never succeed, you feel like a worthless unattractive person that no one could love. And so the cycle continues.

The goal of therapy would be to break this cycle - to better understand the contributing factors that have lead to this belief, and with time, and lots of putting yourself outside your comfort zone, work towards a healthier, more realistic one.

You say that getting a girl is akin to making the NBA. Well, I sure hope not for all our sake.

I think you’re right to feel skeptical about “just being confident” for confidence sake.

Confidence without substance sounds more like arrogance. Or delusion. And neither is helpful in attracting a mate.

If you want to feel confident, I’d start by ask myself: what are some qualities of mine deserving of confidence? Is there anything I’m good at? Is there anything that I work hard at? Do I take care of myself? Do I present myself well? Can I provide the things that I’m looking for a partner to provide for me? It’ll help to actualize tangible things you can work on to feel more attractive.

And so whether or not all of this is in your head, or whether or not it’s the truth? I’d say, if you keep leading your life the way that you are, there won’t be much of a difference. I highly recommend you reach out to someone, it’ll shock you how much you can turn your life around if you actually try.